NO PAIN, NO GAIN
“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” (Romans 8, Bible)
“We should somehow gain our future happiness through suffering; pay for it with some new torment. Suffering purifies everything…” – wrote Fyodor Dostoyevsky. Wonderful words, aren’t they? There is an opinion that if a man was spared sufferings, he would become “powerless despot”.
Reality is that there is no such person on earth, who has never had any negative life experience. As a rule we recall it with regret, with pain in the heart, or try to forget it at all, to throw it away from our memory.
Sometimes it happens that once experienced negative situation prevents us from leading normal life ever after. Have you ever heard the saying: “The one who burnt his tongue with soup is going to blow on the yoghurt as well”? If we get wrecked once, we are not only afraid of doing again what we failed in, but we often cultivate in ourselves a looser complex. It is very difficult to change, though not impossible, fortunately.
We should reconsider our negative experience and try to benefit from it, if we don’t want our life to be forever spoilt with painful recollections. Yes, exactly, that’s what I mean…And this is the first step towards getting rid of the consequences of the negative past. It may seem senseless to talk about some consequences of something that happened long ago and is almost forgotten.
Things are not so simple, as they may seem, though. The information about all our life events, even the least significant ones, is stored in the subconsciousness, although the consciousness may not remember them. Thus, when a traumatizing event occurs in our life, our brain recalls all the details, even such as weather on that “luckless day”. Let’s consider a specific example: a child finds himself in a hospital. For some reasons mother cannot stay with him. This is when, depending on the individual peculiarities, different patterns of behavior occur. One child would get acquainted with everybody the very next morning and would enjoy talking to his neighbors, as well as to the staff. At the same time another child would be desperately biting his pillow, looking out for his mother, and when she’d finally come he’d be begging her to take him away from that awful place…
As you can see, in the second case we can talk about psychotrauma. Even if the child pulled himself together and didn’t cry that wouldn’t mean he didn’t feel abandoned and…guilty. Some children start to think that they were left in the difficult situation because they were punished for something. In the hospital or right after the hospital such children become irritable, whining, have troubles sleeping. “Regressive behavior” is also possible: children don’t act their age – they become like toddlers, and that’s when they get punished by the parents. Psychotrauma gets worse…In other cases the so called “emotional freezing” occurs: emotional reticence, feeble mimicry. It seems like it’s not the right child. Or, vice versa, after arriving back home children start to show aggression which wasn’t peculiar of them, as if they take revenge for being made to face “the stark reality of life”.
Psychotrauma is not always a result of extremely unfavorable life circumstances (being in the hospital, death of the relatives, physical or sexual abuse, war, natural disaster). It often occurs in adolescence in school environment and is connected with the child’s feeling of inferiority, weirdness. Such feelings are often common among the school “outcasts”. So, the psychological trauma – is a very unpleasant childhood experience that in the long run influences personality formation. As a rule, the most critical period is the time from birth (sometimes even before the birth) until the age of around seven. This is the time, when the foundation of personality is laid. And if the foundation is faulty, the whole building will be the subject to collapse.
Psychological trauma occurs as a result of an incomplete instinctive reaction to a traumatizing event. Trauma symptoms, such as helplessness, anxiety, depression, psychosomatic complaints, etc. occur as a result of accumulation of excessive mobilized energy. This energy had to be used when the traumatizing event was encountered, but, for some reason didn’t find escape or outlet. The nervous system mobilized the body to react to a danger, but the outlet didn’t happen. In such cases all feelings that are complemented with the trauma are suppressed. The “record” of the traumatizing experience is saved in the body and psyche. And if later, in adult’s life, something similar to the childhood traumatizing experience happens, emotional outbreak is possible; feelings can rush with an unexpected power… Anyways, the traumatizing experience that is suppressed and encapsulated, if not got rid of, will slowly but surely wreck the body and psyche.
Suppressed psychotrauma creates inner conflict between the personality, who lives in present and the traumatizing experience (traumatized-self). The main personality, so to speak, counts out the traumatized sub personality and doesn’t want to know anything about it. This conflict takes a lot of inner energy, blocks personal development, and contributes to emergence of illnesses. The soul wound is also a wound. And if a body wound is not taken care of, but just bandaged and left – if it’s not disinfected, if the bandage is not changed – it can get abscessed so that the surgery would be needed. The same thing can happen in case of a soul wound. If to pretend that nothing happened and strive to forget everything as soon as possible, such wound most probably will make you notice it by becoming some kind of somatic or mental disorder.
As a rule, psychological traumas are connected with significant people, most often with parents, although connection with other people (grandmothers, uncles, classmates, etc.) can also be traced. By the way, traumatizing experience doesn’t have to be necessarily something awful, like abuse. It can be constant critics, estrangement, or displeasure. For a child on a given stage of development this experience can be very painful since it means he cannot get such important things as love, approval, care, understanding, etc. To avoid suffering, the child usually makes decisions: firstly he forgets unpleasant episode (suppression), secondly he thinks of a way to avoid it in future and of a method that would help to get the desired (“I need to fall ill”, “I need to be a good boy, to never upset mother”, etc.) This is how defense mechanisms are created.
From the general number of people who experienced psychotrauma, around a third develops a Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or other complications (generalized anxiety disorders, dysthymic disorders, depressions, uneasy dreams, alcohol abuse and other addictions). PTSD can develop in a couple of months or even in years. Researches show that PTSD can be inherited. So, psychotrauma – is an event which is seen as a life threat. It disturbs normal living and becomes a traumatic event, a commotion, experience of high significance. How the event is perceived by different people depends on a lot of factors connected with their internal and external resources. The same situation can be experienced by people in absolutely different ways. What becomes a light stress for one person can be a great shock, psychotrauma, for another one and would take long-time therapy (the above mentioned example of the child in the hospital).
There is the reverse side to a problem though, the useful one. We can benefit from emotional wounds and traumatic events. Are you surprised? Yes, indeed there is such an option.
Role of a psychologist (minimally) – is to decrease neurotic reactions to trauma. And ideally – to help see the traumatizing situation as an experience, from which one can draw a positive lesson. Thus, posttraumatic personal growth appears as a result of the experienced. It changes person’s attitude to himself, to others. His live values and whole life philosophy become reconsidered. As a result of learning from traumatic events, person feels at the same time stronger and more vulnerable. Attitude towards the trauma is changed; it is now seen not as something negative, but as a gift, which should be made use of. It is in the process of psychotherapy that person has a chance to restore the basic trust in the world, lost basic beliefs about the world, and to find new sense in life, get the feeling of self-worth and develop psychological flexibility. Task of a psychologist is to help the person transform the experienced negative emotions into a positive source of strength, wisdom, self-confidence.
“If thou return, then will I bring thee again, and thou shalt stand before me: and if thou take forth the precious from the vile.” (Jeremiah, chapter 15, King James Version)
Hard to believe, isn’t it? Just think: ultimately, without problems and mistakes achieving success is impossible. Remember how being a child you dreamed of being able to ride a bike. You get on the bike, you ride, you fall down and fall down again, grazing your knees to blood…And here you’re almost doing it… All of a sudden – an unexpected barrier – again you fall, again the traumas…But you keep on believing and keep on learning…And here’s the result – you are perfect at riding your bike…now you can even try without your hands..!
Thus, ONLY the negative experience makes it possible to grow, to become more advanced, to get closer to your dream.
The Parable.
A journalist interviews famous billionaire.
Journalist: Mr. N, tell us please how have you managed to make such an unbelievable fortune? Everyone knows that you started, as it is said, with a hole in your pocket.
Mr. N: I will tell you only two words on this issue.
Journalist: Which ones?
Mr. N: Right decisions.
Journalist exclaims in disappointment: It is obvious that you always make only right decisions, but, once again, how have you managed to achieve that you always make faultless decisions?!!
Mr. N: I will answer with one word only.
Journalist: We’re looking forward to hearing it.
Mr. N: Experience.
Again the journalist is not happy with the answer. He wants to get to the heart of the matter. So he goes on insisting:
- That’s good. But when and where have you gained such experience that helps you make right decisions?
Mr. N: I will tell you only two words and I have to go…
Journalist: You have our attention…
Mr. N: WRONG DECISIONS.
Everything that has happened to us up until this day – is our past, our huge experience that enriches our knowledge. Everything matters. There is nothing useless in the past, as all the events are interconnected. All of them influence our decisions in present and in future, for our life is a chain of events, sequence of choices and decisions. Is it always that the past experience benefits us, protects, and helps? Or does it mostly become an obstacle for building new life, new relationships? Which is your answer?
Our brain and heart need our past experience. To be able to map out a course of action in thoughts it’s not enough just to interpret the information, - it’s important to provide it with a particular emotional definition. This all is impossible without the accumulated knowledge, i.e. life experience. It is the experienced, deeply felt, understood and grasped, that gives us opportunity to foresee the consequences. It helps to quickly notice similar situations, predict people’s actions, fight fear and lack of confidence in ourselves. It’s like in mathematics: if you solve a general problem, you won’t have any difficulties solving the particular ones. Even if you don’t find the solution instantly, you will surely know how to approach the problem.
Sometimes the most tragic and stressful situations eventually provide us with important life lessons, which we probably wouldn’t get any other way. Recall the times when you thought everything around you was crumbling. But in time everything fell into its places. Very often only great pain gives us opportunity to unlock our potential.
Remember the lines from M. Lermontov: “But in him his exhausted plight had called forth some ancestral might of spirit”
Pain is part of the growth. Life gives you a painful push, because it’s time to move.
And it’s good, because we often put off the movement unless the circumstances don’t force us into setting off. When the tough times come, remember that there is no pain without a reason. One thing is sure – steer clear of what makes you suffer – but never forget the lesson that a particular situation taught you. The fact that you struggle doesn’t mean you lose. Each great success takes decent fight. What is good takes time. Stay patient and confident. Things will get better! It is high likely it won’t happen in a moment, but eventually, things will work out. Remember: pain is sure to change you.
Try to respect life not only for its beauties, but also for the difficulties, for they are the part of learning. In times of troubles, each time you’re in despair or on the edge of despair, remember: “Teacher speaks the only language I can clearly understand”.
“The soul would have no rainbow, had the eyes no tears.”
“Your age depends on what has been lived through and realized, not on how many birthdays have been celebrated.”
The ones who complain the most achieve the least. It’s always better to try to do more and fail, than do nothing. Nothing is over if you lose, it’s over if you but complain. If you believe in something, keep on trying. Don’t let the shadows of the past darken your future. Let the experience gained make your life better. You feel strength, when instead of crying and complaining you prefer to smile and be grateful for life. Every struggle has its blessings.
One of the principles of life is principle of a pearl oyster.
If a sand grain gets into the shell, it starts to irritate and scar (injure) the soft body of the oyster. Oyster enspheres it with nacre and the sand grain eventually becomes a pearl. When hardships happen in life, regard them as the sand grain that has found its way into the inside of your existence... And do your best to make a pearl out of it. The pearl for which the Merchant is ready to give everything else.
There are no failures – there are results. Even when things don’t work the way you want, don’t abandon the hope and don’t give up. Learn your lessons and move on. The one who continues making steps forward eventually becomes a winner. Future victory is created by actions taken long before the final battle. It’s a long way. It starts from little steps, decisions and actions, which in the end lead to triumph.
The statement: “What doesn't kill us makes us stronger” – is often true.
“Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again this time more intelligently” (Henry Ford)
This is the main value of our experience. Even if you didn't achieve your aim today – you got the experience. This means you can draw a lesson and move towards the goal using another path. Negative experience is also an experience. People who've gone through severe trials turn out to be really stronger in spirit than those who've encountered no serious adversities.
For example, after March 11, 2004 railway bombing in Madrid psychologists noticed that many people, who had lived through this tragedy, had positive psychological changes. The same happened with many of the women who were diagnosed with breast cancer.
What is meant by positive changes? Interest in spiritual life, compassion to people around, openness and even, in the end, life satisfaction in general. People who had experienced severe trials claimed that they learned to feel more confident and be grateful to others. “Suffering person thinks about the close people, about God or at least about defending his freedom of choice and his human dignity from the destructive force of the destiny.” - writes psychotherapist, prof. A. Langlais.
Psychologists should well understand the value of consciously endured and well borne troubles for client’s personal growth. It’s important not just to fill the person with some positive infusions, but to help make the experience of overcoming the difficulties a personal, spiritual treasure that frees from victim complex and discovers the high art of life… Unanswered love or loss of a close person; natural disasters or war; injury or obligation to take care of the disabled person can wake us up from the dream of vegetable existence. It can make us reconsider our life values, search for God. They can…But they can also drown us in self-pity, leaving us on the same level of existence where the main thing is personal comfort.
“Only suffering can change a man. All other experiences and phenomena cannot alter his essence or unlock the deep potential to change him completely” (Emil Cioran)
It was even found that some kinds of depression are beneficial: http://sbio.info/page.php?al=vyjavlena_polza_ot_depre.
A lot of people are afraid of mistakes, and there are a lot of reasons for that – from recollections of father’s belt to fear of being thought a fool. However, mistakes are not alike. Do you remember how the poet said: “experience, the son of difficult mistakes”? Exactly – experience is got only through raising bumps, through broken noses and knees, through heart wounds. Some think that only fools raise bumps: smart people sit aside and learn from others’ mistakes. If your dream is to move through the labyrinth of life with the least possible losses – you should really avoid making mistakes. But in such case you’d better make peace with the fact that your achievements will be minimal as well, as it is in one Russian song:
And all is calm,
Like morass in the forest:
No friends there are,
Yet, enemies are absent too.
Phenomenal self-pity – is our main and favorite negative emotion. It is very active, for is supported by an extremely widespread and even cultivated by us victim complex. Being a victim is pleasant and extremely advantageous. Here you have the attention, and sympathy, and pity, and help. It’s your alibi for not making any personal efforts and inner changes (nothing is expected from a victim!). It’s an opportunity to legally suffer from the life circumstances and excuse your hatred towards “the guilty”. It’s the legalized suffering from household “oppression”, from “not understanding”, from friends’ and employers’ “deadheartedness”, from “difficult marriage relationships” and so on, and so forth.
“What your foes do derives its significance or consequence from the way you react. Therefore, rush through or past them as though they were yellow and not red lights. This way you’ll spare your brain cells a lot of useless agitation… Flip the channel: you can’t put this network out of circulation, but at least you can reduce its ratings… The world you are about to enter and exist in doesn’t have a good reputation. Still, it’s the only world available; no alternative exists, and if one did, there is no guarantee that it would be much better than this one. Try not to pay attention to those who will try to make life miserable for you. There will be a lot of those — in the official capacity as well as the self-appointed… No matter how abominable your condition may be, try not to blame anything or anybody: history, the state, superiors, race, parents, the phase of the moon, childhood, toilet training, etc. The menu is vast and tedious. The moment that you place blame somewhere, you undermine your resolve to change anything… By considering yourself a victim you but enlarge the vacuum of irresponsibility that demons or demagogues love so much to fill, since a paralyzed will is no dainty for angels.” (Joseph Brodsky)
Sadly, we just don’t want to let go of this false suffering. How else to explain that we often stubbornly don’t want to change what makes us suffer so much – something that can be changed? Give an honest answer: whom does it depend on? Apparently, changing yourself depends on you. And now, having understood this, try to stop complaining, grit your teeth and change yourself…Think that with these changes you can completely transform your relationships, your family life, and – it’s no exaggeration – transform the world around you. Comprehend it; agree with it! And try to make the changes! How is it?...It’s hard, - way harder than you could imagine. It’s now that they come in handy – sufferings.
“Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline.” (Revelation, chapter 3)
We can take pain as an elevating sorrow. To achieve that, you must see any life test as an exam, probation, when you are expected to show all the best you have inside. There’s no test you can’t do. It’s just a step on the ladder that leads up or down (it’s up to you to give directions). Life crisis (or catastrophe), having put things into right places, becomes a powerful source of changes in life. It produces positive changes inside of us. It can be compared to a school: if all the tests and exams with grades were suddenly cancelled, many wouldn’t even learn to read.
Yes, sufferings can ruin. They can completely destroy anything that can possibly be destroyed. That’s when the moment comes, the only moment in which you can discover the Invincible in yourself.
There is no other way. This is how life works. The only way to gain something of value is to lose something egoistically coveted. The greater is the loss and the more damage it makes, the higher is the possibility to collapse.
But…the higher is the possibility to collapse, the more opportunities for personal growth there are. Do you remember words of F. Dostoyevsky: “We should somehow gain our future happiness through suffering; pay for it with some new torment. Suffering purifies everything…”? This is what the Book of Job (Bible) is about. Read it again. “Life – is just an opportunity to accomplish something”…In situations where the person loses everything there is one thing he is left with– the Spirit.
Everything has its price. "There is no such thing as a free lunch".
As Winston Churchill once said: “Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.” And I will add: with no loss of faith, hope, and love!
